John I want a divorce Script

W: John I want a divorce

J: Divorce… HAHAHAA

W: It’s not funny john and you know it’s been coming for a long time.

J: Well… divorce HAHAHA.

W: Why do always laugh when I’m upset?

J: Oh, every time you say divorce you look so cute HAHAHAHAHA.

W: I’m serious this time john

J: Serious...

W: I’m absolutely serious. And you’re treating this like it’s some kind of game. I’m tired of it John.

J: We love games.

W: Not anymore. Not your kind of games. Your games are cruel.

* John looks pretty sad*

J: DIVORCE! HAHAHAHA!

W: STOP LAUGHING! This isn’t funny, things haven’t been working out for a long time and every time I try to talk to you about it you laugh. So I’m not laughing anymore with you and I’m not playing these games and the lawyer is coming tomorrow. He’s gonna drop the papers and that’ll be it. We’re going separate ways.

John looks terrified

J: Oh, no no no no no no. Can’t go no hahahaha… Can’t go separate ways. No no no can’t go separate ways. Hahahaha! It’s just not... It’s just not...

* John wheezes and laughs*

W: It’s not what?

J: Well, you know I…

W: I DON’T KNOW SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!

J: Well it’s hard to talk about… you know HAHAHAHA

W: It’s hard for you to talk about anything. (J: I know I know…) when is the last time we had a conversation… 15 YEARS and all I’ve heard from you is laughter.

* John laughs*

W: Every time I want to be serious.

J: Oh…

* Silence while John looks disturbed*

J: Well… It’s hard it’s hard it’s hard. You know I… (sighs) I think of us as… Oh I don’t know... Okay two oysters, two oysters. RAW oysters HAHAHAHA! OH, and you’re the pearl, you’re the pearl. And… I’m just this oyster that just doesn’t ever know how to tell you how much he loves you. So, I go around the fish chase me, and you laugh and... I don’t know, it kinda seems like that’s the only way I can tell you how much you mean to me. HAHAhahaha

* The wife looks confused*

J: I know you gotta know what I mean. I know you used to be… you’d look at me and laugh and…

W: That was when we were younger John, we’re not young anymore. You used to be funny, you used to make me laugh. Now you just… use these jokes as a way to stay away from me. That to- to not tell me how you really feel.

J: So, you mean I’m like ehm… reruns?

W: Exactly.

* Silence*

J: Well… okay... Let me see. HEhehehe (The wife sighs) I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. Here’s the way I feel. Do you remember Ponderosa episode -I don’t know it was- 60? 63? Paul came home. Long day on the range. Hop Sing had not even started cooking dinner. (The wife is smiling) Paul was mad. The boys weren’t home. The boys were gonna be mad when they got home, and you know Paul he likes to feel responsible. And he said to Hop Sing he said: “Hop Sing, how come you don’t even have dinner ready to be put on the table?” and Hop Sing said: “You never, ever thank me for making dinner.” Well, Paul was flabbergasted. He thought about it and he was right. He never, ever told Hop Sing how much he enjoyed the food that he put on the table for him and the boys. And he said: “Hop Sing, I’m flabbergasted. I think you’re right. I’ve never, ever told you how much I appreciated you putting food on the table, but it’s not because I don’t like your food, and certainly it’s not because I don’t like to have you cooking the food for me and the boys. So you see, Hop Sing, I’d be lost without you. You’re like my shadow in the afternoon. When I’m hungry and my shadow’s long, you’re there right behind me, taking care of me. And you know what? I’d never thank my shadow.”

* Solid ten seconds of silence*

* John and his wife look at each other*

* they smile*